Lighten Up Your Life

New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!
                I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
                Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
                Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'  We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some horse's butt that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

                An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep' and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

                If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

                Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.  We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

                They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. 

                Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.

                An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


                These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

                Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

                If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!  

Share this with your senior friends.  It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

 

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work,,,

The asshole is usually in charge

 

 

GREAT SIGNS

  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix

In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheel.

At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in.

On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Church's Billboard:"7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :"Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts.

In a Nonsmoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push.

At an Optometrist's Office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff.

On a Fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be.

In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:"Thank heaven for little grills.

 

 

SCHOOL  -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario : Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.  
Scenario :  Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.  
Scenario :  Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.  
Scenario :  Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.  State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.  
Scenario :  Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.  
Scenario :  Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.  
Scenario :  Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. 
Scenario :  Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

Subject:   The Five Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that? "

" It was Bob the next door neighbor, " she replies.

" Great ," the husband says, " did he say anything about the $800 he owes me ?"

Lesson of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A clergyman offered his secretary a lift. She got in the car and crossed her legs, forcing her dress up to reveal some leg. The clergyman nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The secretary said, " Remember Psalm 129 ?"

The clergyman removed his hand.  But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The secretary once again said, " Remember Psalm 129? "

The clergyman apologized.  " Sorry, but the flesh is weak ."

Arriving at the destination, the secretary sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at his office, the clergyman rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, " Go forth and seek.  Further up, you will find glory. "

Lesson of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

  The Genie says, " I'll give each of you just one wish. "

  " Me first  Me first! " says the admin clerk.  "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. "

Poof!  She's gone.

  " Me next!  Me next! " says the sales rep. " I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life ."

  Poof!  He's gone.

" OK, you're up ," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, " I want those two back in the office after lunch ."

Lesson of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, " Can I also sit like you and do nothing? "

The eagle answered: " Sure, why not. "

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

  " I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? " replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients ."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Lesson of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Lesson of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
       (2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
       (3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Subject: Retiree Interview~
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITYJust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at  9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!

 

This is the best one yet!!!

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction

workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.



               A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew began to build a houseon the

empty lot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much

of each day observing the workers.



             Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. 

They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. 

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her

             mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.



             When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come

by her very own pay check at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real

construction crew building the new house next door to us."



             "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

             The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at

             Home Depot ever deliver the f _ ckin' sheet rock."



             Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?